Ronson vs. Bird

Welcome back to a classic feature here at Ronsonville, Ronson vs. (I should've ™ed this thing what with Man vs. Wild and Man vs. Food having huge successes on the Travelfooddiscoverygarden channel). Put simply, this is a feature where I face off against injustices of the world. It varies from vague rants (Ronson vs. Milk and Milk Products) to actual battles (Ronson vs. Wasps x3). So, that's the backstory. Here's Ronson vs. Bird:

The story: It was a typical Sunday night - around 11 p.m. I was being productive with my time by watching the "edited for basic cable" version of Pulp Fiction. Seriously, it's like watching a completely different movie. We're at the part where Vincent Vega tells Marvin he doesn't like him very much and that he should leave the car so that he and Jules can go visit their friend Quentin Tarantino and get a car wash.

Suddenly, I hear a rustling noise from behind the walls in the far top corner of my living room. I didn't think much of it because I've heard squirrels scurry in that corner all the time. I think they hibernate there during the winter. They aren't getting inside, so it doesn't bother me. But this was different. Five seconds later, there's a bird flying in circles around me on my couch.

The battle: Um, yeah - I panicked. Startled, the only thing I could think to do was open a series of doors leading to my front door, and hope the bird and I would communicate through non-verbal cues and some whistling on my part. But mostly what happened was that the bird flew in circles in various rooms of my apartment while I hid. This kept up for about 20 minutes. Then, just as suddenly as the bird appeared, it was gone.

Sensing a break in the action, I used my time to do what anyone with a problem does in the information age: I quickly threw a grammatically incorrect status update on my Facebook page:


How did? I don't know. There wasn't a moment to spare.

Impressively, within minutes I had a handful of methods to work with and after a few unsuccessful phone calls (Animal Control: "Unfortunately the SPCA is only on call this evening and they wouldn't handle something like this anyway. Good luck!"), I hatched a few plans.

Plan A: Operation Bird Call. I would draw out the bird by playing bird calls on my computer (thanks AE). If you're ever in my situation, you might wanna give it a whirl. I found this call of the hummingbird worked particularly well. Within a few minutes, the bird went from hiding to flying around in circles all over my apartment again. I guess this was the preferred situation.

Plan B1: Follow the Light. I went out to my wasp-loaded deck (fortunately they were in for the evening) and flashed a light around thinking that the bird might be drawn to it, and then freedom. It got close a couple of times, but no such luck. After a few passes, Mr. Feathers went back into hiding.

Plan B2: Kitchen Lockdown (aka The Bad Plan). I noticed whenever the bird would hide, it went into the kitchen. So I decided I would block the room off using my comforter and open one of the tiny windows in the kitchen where it would (again) fly to freedom. Well, unfortunately I couldn't act as bird caller, comforter holder AND window guider all at once. This one fell apart pretty quickly.

Plan B3: The Half-Assed Plan (aka The Plan That Worked). At around 2 a.m., I was getting tired and had gotten used to the fact that this bird and I were going to be roommates for awhile. I went to brush my teeth. When I left the bathroom, I noticed the poor, dumb thing was flying in circles again, so I decided to give it one more try.

I went back to my original plan - I shut off all the lights in the house except the light leading to stairs toward my front door. Somehow, someway, the bird got the message and flew through that door. Now that he was trapped in a much smaller space, I opened a window and he disappeared through it instantly. Enjoy your freedom, Bird. It only took three hours.

Winner: Me, I guess. Over the course of this adventure I was told that birds can be a sign of change. I did some research, and I think that's more in reference to eagles than wrens. But who knows? Perhaps a very, very tiny change is in my future. Or maybe it means next time I should just netflix Pulp Fiction.