150-word OSCAR RECAP

Everything you wanted to know about the Oscars in 150 words. Here we go:

Apple commercial-like opening. Ellen monologue is awkward (look at all the different races here tonight!), but beats Billy Crystal's "sings the nominees" any night.

Naked "Shadow Man Group" create images from movies using nothing but their bodies. Sometimes a board. Sometimes Ellen.

Terrible montage tributes to random things. Everyone thanks Al Gore. Oscar continues to abuse "Dream Girls," snubbing Eddie "Norbit" Murphy and not giving it Song Of The Year, instead rewarding a message heavy Melissa Etheridge song. More Gore thanks.

Forrest and Helen win best acting. Skinny actresses pretending to be ugly are shut out. With no conventionally attractive winners, E! has nothing to talk about.

"The Departed" wins and Scorsese finally gets Best Director. "Pan's Labyrinth" wins everything else except Best Foreign Film (wha?), sending my scorecard right to the toilet. Four hours later and it's over! It's not the best Oscars, but definitely not the worst (ahem, "Titanic").

Epilogue: This might be a little late -- I think everyone's already forgotten about the Oscars. Go see "The Departed!" Maybe I should see it before I recommend it. Nah, Oscar has never steered me wrong. Oh wait...